(Not) Mother of the Year

I am so far from winning any Mother of the Year awards.

Unless there's a category for Verbally Abusive.

/sigh

Therapy

Tonight, in a fit of rage and frustration, I yelled at my son to "SHUT UP!" It was almost bed time, and I just couldn't take any more of his loud babling and screaming, so I lost it.

On the plus side? At least I didn't tell him to STFU.

Boy, this kid's going to need a lot of therapy when he gets older.

Spiteful Bitch

I sometimes miss the women in the PPD group I used to go to. With them, I didn't feel like such an outcast, and more importantly, I wasn't afraid to express my true feelings about parenthood.

It was nice to have other moms around who also felt like they didn't like their child at times. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one who questioned whether having a baby was the right choice. It was nice to be able to say what was on my mind without feeling like I was being judged negatively.

I know most parents have their bad moments. I know most get frustrated. But for me, "frustration" doesn't even begin to describe what I sometimes feel for my kid. I was so angry with him tonight that I took his chin so he'd look me right in the face, and I flat out said, "I DO NOT LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW." And I did it with the absolute intention of being a mean and spiteful bitch.

I'm always told that it gets better. But people have been telling me that for almost two years now, and while some things have gotten better, new annoyances have taken their place. Overall, it hasn't gotten better, and I'm afraid that it only gets worse. God help me.

This is Not for Me

The kid woke up before 5:30am and I've already gotten mad at him (for refusing to come when called to get his diaper changed - I just got irritated from waiting and how he never listens). This then set me in a foul mood before 8am. This may not be PPD, but maybe I need to go back to therapy and medication.

I'm always told that every mom has her bad days. Perhaps. But is it common to have so many bad days? Is it common to be constantly telling yourself, "This is not what I wanted. This is not the missing piece, this is not the one thing that makes me feel complete." Is it common to ask yourself, "Would you still have had him, had you known what you do now?" - and find it hard to answer "Yes."

I don't deny that there is a bond with my son that would kill me if we were permanently separated, but I also can't deny that he's the biggest reason I do not want to have any more children. I just don't want to go through all of this all over again.

Therapy

I just told my kid that I think he's here just to piss me off.

Instead of saving for college, we should probably save for future therapy bills. Ah well, it's not like I was ever in contention for Mother of the Year or anything.