This is Not for Me

The kid woke up before 5:30am and I've already gotten mad at him (for refusing to come when called to get his diaper changed - I just got irritated from waiting and how he never listens). This then set me in a foul mood before 8am. This may not be PPD, but maybe I need to go back to therapy and medication.

I'm always told that every mom has her bad days. Perhaps. But is it common to have so many bad days? Is it common to be constantly telling yourself, "This is not what I wanted. This is not the missing piece, this is not the one thing that makes me feel complete." Is it common to ask yourself, "Would you still have had him, had you known what you do now?" - and find it hard to answer "Yes."

I don't deny that there is a bond with my son that would kill me if we were permanently separated, but I also can't deny that he's the biggest reason I do not want to have any more children. I just don't want to go through all of this all over again.

Therapy

I just told my kid that I think he's here just to piss me off.

Instead of saving for college, we should probably save for future therapy bills. Ah well, it's not like I was ever in contention for Mother of the Year or anything.

There IS Hope!

Despite having gotten up at 3:30am, the kid and I are unusually calm and quiet this morning. (No complaints!)

I just finished giving him an emergency shower due to some horribly messy poop, and to my complete and utter surprise, he SAT DOWN in the tub when I asked him to! He's been standing in the tub for as long as he's been able to, which I never fought. (Recently we even installed an extendable shower head to make the transition from baths to showers easier.) So when it was time for me to wash his feet, I asked him to sit down with the expectation that I would have to force him to do it. He looked at me for a moment, got down to squat, and then plopped himself on his knees. I must have sat there for a good few seconds, doing nothing due to the SHOCK of having my kid actually LISTEN to one of my commands. It was a beautiful moment.

Up until I realized I still had to wash the rest of the poop off of him.

Would You Like Another?

I was just reading some message board posts from other moms of only children about all the odd (and often intrusive) comments they get about having more children. I was reminded of my last physical, where my doctor kept pestering me have more children.

She has three of her own (could be four since I haven't seen her in over a year), and gave me every excuse reason why people should have more than one child - kids need siblings, parents need more help as they get older, etc. When I told her about the horrible PPD I went through and that I was still on medication at the time, she flat-out exclaimed, "So we'll just increase your dosage!" I knew she was (only half) joking, but she said it with such enthusiasm, as if she had just solved my biggest problem and removed the roadblock preventing me from making my way to baby number two.

The question is still up in the air, although I am 85% convinced I want to stick with one child. As great as it is to watch my son interact with other children, I just think more won't be good for my sanity. After all, I still question the one I currently have!

My Two Words

At the end of the day, many mothers describe their lives as blessed or loved. For me, my two words are haggard and defeated. I'm beyond post-partum depression. I'm just goddamn tired.

I really should just go get my tubes tied just in case I ever get the itch to spawn again.